it’s amazing how things have changed. i’m not the same person i used to be. cliché as it might sound, it just happened to be true.
i’m just gonna put it as simple as i can, even if it’s gonna sound immature, unlikely or fabricated.
i’m all alone, really. at home, outta home and around people.
i’ve never really been attached to my family. at least, not after i started secondary school. i became a “bad boy” as they’d say. i didn’t study as hard as they wanted me to in primary school. thinking back, i’m amazed but i studious i was. i really tried very hard and it paid off. i went to a good school, and i’m glad i did. so, as i was saying, i got addicted to computer games, blah blah, which kid didn’t? i didn’t end up top in class but i made it through. i had a girlfriend and yeah, that took up quite a bit of time. hey, it was new.
nights of scolding, of not sleeping early enough, of not being an obedient kid caught up to me, to us. it strained our relationship and now it is beyond repair. regrets, but so what? it really don’t matter any to me. i’ve come to a point in time where i can live without parental guidance. not something to be proud of, but if they throw me out now and i gotta make it on my own, it wouldn’t hurt. i would be giving up the luxuries i got now for my own freedom. materialistically, very painful. but if it happened it has, so i would be leading a nomadic life of plain-and-simple and at least, it’s a life i call my own. but let me not talk about the things not actually happening.
so now, i’m mostly stuck in my room when i’m home. my only entertainment comes from dvds, gaming, my tv shows and books at times. music, of course. that’s why i am always dreaming of refurnishing my room until it is a full-fledged home. i’d wanted to get a sofa, lay down a rug or two, buy a mini-fridge and i’d only be missing out on a toilet before i don’t ever need to get out of the room, ever.
and… if that ever turn out, i could invite my friends over all the time, completely ignoring what’s happening outside. it is a wound, salted, spat on, spread out even wider, that no surgeon is gonna be able to redeem. i’d be damned if i’m lying.
friends? i think i have lost too many. i didn’t went to jc and i lost a lotta them. first three months in jjc were briliant. marvellous. splendid. those three months are the dearest times to me, second only to the four years in rv. to reiterate, i’m all alone. now i have a fear of calling up old friends. they never have the time, or at least i think they don’t. i hate myself for having thoughts like this, but like my therapist mentioned, i’m a neurotic.
everything that makes sense to most people, don’t to me. i’m irrational at times and even i myself know it. i can’t help it. i’m hafta continue again later.
